My most vulnerable relationships have been family ones, built on an inherently and humanly flawed foundation that has given me countless rooms to explore with windows into ancient landscapes I have yet to fully understand.
My most defining relationship is a rare and beautiful life partner soul-mate thing that interwove itself into the very fabric of my identity. This relationship has shifted considerably, and I am still reclaiming my Self, as we each work to un-stitch enough to finally, each, feel our own edges.
My most satisfying relationship is, and will always be, with the two beings who built themselves from my parts, who emerged into my life as our Guides. I strongly suspect that we (their “parents”) have followed them well, as I witness them forming their own shapes and trajectories that make my world someplace better than I would have designed in their absence.
My most tantalizing relationship was one of those once-in-a-lifetime, deep sensual body and soul connections that lead to a spiritual awakening that blew through me like Haley’s comet. I am still in the tail of that, even as we each fly off into our separate galaxies.
And there have been many many others, some fleeting, some long slow continuations of past lives. There are relationships which have stomped in and moved me by brute force, and cherished others that have drawn me closer to the right path with the gentlest of attractive pulls.
But the relationship that has eluded me so far is that of knowing myself. An extrovert by nature, I have always sent the most powerful and precious waves of my energy out into my people, calibrated my rhythms to theirs, found meaning in my ability to touch and see and feel their way with them. But what of MY way?
So this is my time. I am finally compelled to stand here in the puddle of my own light, to permit the use of my resources to build my own shelter, to hear the quiet sound of my own breath. I strive to do so in a way that causes no harm, does not abandon any of the people in my village who still need me, and keeps a hallowed and healthier space for each of my pre-existing and future loved ones.
There was a time when saying this out loud would have felt too selfish, or at least self indulgent, and lonely. But somehow I know, when I finally sit down a bit and let myself become, it will be into a person who has an even greater capacity to be of service than if I miss this opportunity.