44

“ I need you to grow up into what you used to be.” – Antonia Lassar, in letter to her future 45 year old self

At 42, that line haunted me.
I’d strayed so far from who I suspected I was in the beginning.
So in 2012, I got busy, mindfully (and sometimes frantically) working on getting back to “me” by 45. I have one last year to pull that off. So to mark progress, here is my “inverse bucket list” – the things that were really important to me that I DID accomplish.

1 – I stood naked in front of an entire room full of beautiful people.
2 – And the second time, it felt good.
3 – I went on a lot of first dates.
4 – I learned how to make the first move.
5 – I learned how to break up.
6 – I got better at breaking up.
7 – I experienced breakup as a “shift in relationship,” rather than an ending.
8 – I drank a medicinal dose of cacao and danced around a fire circle all night long.
9 – I did my first yoga class.
10 – I did many more yoga classes.
11 – I learned that there are 7 chakras.
12 – I felt ALL SEVEN of my chakras.
13 – I got a little better at knowing when to shut up.
14 – I watched a lot of TedTalks.
15 – I was a good friend. And sometimes a lousy one.
16 – I expanded my friend circle to – probably to more than I have had in my entire life.
17 – I am learning better how to be a friend.
18 – I befriended me.
19 – I got better at expediently and gracefully exiting unhealthy situations.
20 – In which, sometimes, I was the only one being unhealthy.
21 – I learned to meditate.
22 – I found that before meditation makes me happy, it makes me sad.
23 – I kept meditating anyway.
24 – I made love. A lot.
25 – I learned that I don’t fall out of love as easily as I fall in love.
26 – I decided that’s a good thing.
27 – I experimented with alternative relationship models.
28 – I didn’t find one that fits (yet).
29 – I performed poetry – without looking at the page.
30 – I learned how to be alone.
31 – I learned I don’t like to be ALL alone, but I’m not afraid of it anymore.
32 – I went to a Kirtan.
33 – I went to a bunch more.
34 – I gave more time to aimless art.
35 – I helped my Dad cross something off his bucket list.
36 – I went kayaking alone.
37 – I experienced several forms of energy healing.
38 – I still have no idea what that means, but I surrendered to that being okay for now.
39 – I made progress on “alone and at peace with an open heart.”
40 – I worked on “healthy, whole hearted, and graceful.”
41 – I let my kids see me, the real me, hopefully without exposing too much.
42 – I got my angel wings.
43 – I published my blog.
44 – I started to let in the mystery, including the truth that I won’t be done at 45.

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