Balance point

You know at the beach, that place out past the waves where the water is calm?
What is that place called?
Or when you pick a place to focus during a balancing yoga pose,
Somehow focussing on something out there makes it easier to settle what’s inside.
What is that state of being where you know there is chaos,
you know that there is something much more profoundly deep than the chaos,
and you hold yourself still and in balance anyway?
Is it equilibrium? Is it non violence? Is this what they call inner peace?

I have a pet peeve in the personal growth community- those people who think they are “done.” They will actually say that they did all the work they needed back in the 90s and now they are ready to be the gurus. The real gurus, like the Dalai Lama, he says “I am but a simple monk.”

So, I want to know and make real my growth, with a humility that understands how I will never be done. I am glad to have taken these past three years to find myself, and now my own story has lost its narcissistic appeal. I am ready to be of service again, to genuinely believe that I do have gifts to offer, non pridefully to other people on the path. I’ve learned about the essential nature of self care, not because I’m protecting and hoarding what is mine, but because I have this growing sense that I’m essential to some worthy souls and causes who need me to show up complete.

These are new thoughts. My process to formalize change is often this type of written and shared expression. So, here is a place today where I want to review some of the new insights and bumper stickers that are resonating, then set them down so that I can focus on something more. These, like my mind, go in no particular order.

My son’s first electronic post of the day yesterday was a assert message about how nice it is to be awoken by a sweet kitty. My 16 year old son, who usually closes his bedrooms door. Turns out, when you leave the door open, give up a little privacy, good things might wander in.

My younger son is feeling an edge of development, and articulates it in a way that is surprising. He has this meta awareness that is an honor to witness. But he is 13, and his privacy is important, so no anecdotes here.

I grew up with their father, my life partner, housemate and best friend for 20 years. As the manufactured story of why our relationship shifted, I find the truth of gratitude, love and a longing for more connection. Well, if I think about it, I’ve always felt those things. So I am wishing for a new version of that which gives more room for the love than the pain.

I’ve learned a lot about relationships, in books, in community, in experiments, in relationship. I’ll never be an expert, but I know it is a life topic that draws me more strongly than most topics. So i will be a student nearly daily. It’s where I love to spend my time and energy, in connection. That can manifest in unhealthy and healthy ways. That can manifest on so many planes… Romantic, professional, familial, friendship, sexual, companionship. What feels best to me is when there is a clarity of what everyone needs, and a dissolution of any societal norm barriers to how a relationship can express.

I love watching people fall I love. Even if it is someone I am in love with.

Healthy is not a mental construct, no matter how much I wish it were. It is body, mind, heart, spirit, awareness and alignment. Right now, that’s a very external process for me… I’ve needed witnesses, validation, guides, redirection. Feels like I’m internalizing this now, which is a huge relief because there really are much more important things to think and talk about than me !

Ego. Fear. Self protection. These deserve to be the strongest driving forces when there is a clear and present danger. Otherwise, these voices are like that drunk friend you have at the bar…. Spouting drunken bullshit that you can hear, but you would never take the dude’s advice. This is not my metaphor, but it will be one I draw on a lot.

I believe we are here to be seen, to genuinely see others, with love and compassion. I believe this leads us to a connection where what is right and wrong is so simple to know, and any work towards making the right thing happen is effort but not suffering. If there is suffering, it is because some truth is not being seen, or the wrong work is being done.

Now, I have two lovely boys, and later two lovely women, and then dozens of happy hippy people to go make myself ready for. Life is rich, and today is one of the good ones.


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