I’m not sure if this helps or just reminds you of your pain, but I want to share this excerpt from a book I’m reading as an example of how what you are experiencing isn’t unique or even a problem. It’s awakening. Call it soul, home, oneness, unity, connection, god. Don’t call it nothing. The people worth spending time with, they feel it too. This lady below didn’t understand until she was nearly 70. We are lucky to hear the call whenever we are ready.
“…Yes… the Longing. The Great, the Endless….
From the very beginning I never knew for what I was longing. Confused, tortured, the mind not working, I did not, could not, analyze it. It was just a longing from the very depth of my heart, the poignant feeling of some vanished bliss…
At first, it seemed just a longing for its own sake, for nothing in particular. At times it was more, at times it was less, but it always remained in the background, throbbing softly. I was never without it and it could grow so terrible at times that I would lose the will to live. There must be a reason for it…
I looked deeper into my self. Deeper and deeper still. And it took me some time to discover that it was in reality the same yearning I had had all my life, since childhood! Only now it was increased to the utmost degree. Even when I was quite small, every time I saw golden clouds at sunset or the sky so blue, or heard lovely music, or saw dancing sparks of sunlight on the trembling surface of the water – each time it came, an endless sadness, something was crying in me.
Often I wondered what this yearning could be. Never understood it, not really. Was it my heredity, the innate sadness of my people’s temperament? This morning I knew…for a few seconds it seemed to be breaking my heart open, so strong it was, causing even bodily pain. Then it ebbed away, leaving the understanding of it’s very nature behind… So simple.
All the time it was never anything but the cry for real Home!
We bring it with us into the physical life. We bring it from the other planes of being; it forms part of the very texture of our soul; it is intended to take us home again where we belong. Without this longing, which is a gift from this world, we, as deluded as we are, would never find the way home…”
– Irina Tweedie “The Chasm of Fire”