Here come the words

Some times, I get to some new wisdom place where I get the insight, write it down, and then promptly forget it. I think this is one of those times.

Here’s what I know today: This self love thing is disruptive.

It doesn’t feel like the glowing light of an Angel or a Goddess. When it really landed that I’m not just a nice person connected to God, but that I am made of stardust, I am a Goddess, (thanks, HAI L5), first I got really angry. I felt Very UNlovable in this new state brought on by self-love! Interesting response. As a commitment to loving myself unconditionally, I allowed these negative feelings to arise nonetheless.

I felt this blind white fury for all the ways I’d allowed myself to be misunderstood and “improperly” treated. I was angry about how I myself had desecrated my own divinity. It came out (ungracefully) as blame towards those I’d conscripted to taunt myself with – the beloveds who I had put ahead of my own needs so I could blame them for not “letting me” be me.

I believe that when negative feelings come from genuine misalignment  of environment, or mistreatment, the solution seems obvious. But when we are all just “walking each other home,” fulfilling the soul-level contracts we’ve made to poke each other in tender places to keep each other awake, well, then what is one to do about the irritation of that action?

Trying to find the gratitude in the middle of all this fury and blame has been confounding, and yet it comes anyway. So now I’m coming to this deeper place of trusting that even my negative feelings – the deep fear, anger, sadness, blame — these are just lovely messengers. It is feedback that there is deeper listening or minor (to not minor) tweaks needed. I wrote THAT 2 years ago – it isn’t about the feelings. As this redawns on me, I recollect that the invitation is to stop fixing others so they can have their own relationship to these lovely little messengers from their souls (in the form of me poking them unwittingly or at least unskillfully).

And here is another knowing that hitched in on the self-love channel: in addition to all the loveliness I offer, I’ve also have been so controlling of others, and I’ve used my spiritual practice to learn to “let go” of some of the wrong stuff. Now, I’m feeling very deeply into the question of what is worth preserving. This controlling and surrender are sometimes just ways of covering, but what am I hiding from? (I don’t have an answer to that, but I’m pretty sure now that I’ve written it down, I’m going to get an answer and there’s a good chance it will also be an uncomfortable paradox!)

So, today I’m contemplating the relationship I have with my own discomfort, and that of my beloveds. On the one hand, I can commit to standing in my own light, letting others know of my audacious asks. The self love thing gets me to a place of at least imagining I deserve my asks. Yet, I’m still telling myself a story that when my choices, thoughts, feelings and actions land in someone else as a trigger to their pain, there’s some responsibility I have to help with that pain. If someone ELSE is the one doing the poking, and I see my beloved suffering, I find compassion. When it is me doing the poking, my compassion compels me to reduce “my part” in their suffering, and then the cycle of controlling and letting go of the wrong stuff begins anew.

My interpretation is: this finding the divinity in me, this finding my Goddess heart, is opening whole new layers of empathy.  My heart is breaking for other’s pain in a way I haven’t ever felt before. My compulsive need to make people not feel abandoned that defined my early adulthood had made way for an autonomy of letting people have their stuff because I NEEDED to focus on self care as I entered middle adulthood. I wanted self care, and I knew that self care without self love is just narcissism, and I don’t want any part of that. So good noticing that.

It feels like the next step goes back to loving others, but in a new way. As the self love really lands, as my heart opens and my energy field becomes so much more attuned to the collective, experiencing the pain my beloveds are experiencing is becoming not an intellectual or emotional exercise, but a heart of hearts deep soul thing. It hurts. And when I am helping in their discomfort, ah, there’s the rub. And I want to know what to DO about it.

Fortunately, sometimes I know stuff and write it down. So here’s some advice I have for me that I think wraps up this contemplation nicely:

“Love. This, so simple. Nothing to engineer, nothing to do right or wrong. Lovingly witnessing their becoming and joyously celebrating their choices and empathetically holding them in their struggles, even if their struggles include me, is all I’m required to do. Loving IS doing it right. This isn’t something to work on; it is a celebration of life.”

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