The Opening Chapter

OK, so I dropped a few layers. I still have a personality, an ego structure, a history, and an opinion about things, but I am also less driven from those forces as I am driven from a place of awakening and now awareness.

My experience last week (with Ashamarae and my current beloved) wasn’t insight, or understanding a good career opportunity when I see one, or “letting go” of some thoughts that have been troubling me. My experience last week didn’t even take place exclusively last week, that particular string of moments was simply a more tightly concentrated connection of moments that lead to a nice “Aha!” discovery, but what was there to be “Aha’d” has been here all along and would be here even if I hadn’t noticed. Last week was simply one of the precious first moments where I let in some help to really pay attention, and so I did.

It came about because I’ve learned to practice – meditation, listening, feeling, compassion in a way that was at first self-serving and thankfully has begun to shift to being of service. It was the logical next step of learning to meditate, of awakening my energy body, of beginning to let in the truth that this idea of separateness is an illusion. It was the next gift after learning how to access what the Buddhist call the “God Realm,” come back to what we call the “Human Realm,” and notice that neither is the true reality. (And the also the same experience with the “Hell Realm.”

It was possible because I became willing to turn to face and walk straight into the thoughts and feelings that have been most compelling – be they extremely attractive compelling or extremely aversive compelling. So long as I was unwilling to think of myself as worthy of the beauty of those compelling ideas that were enticing me, so long as I believed myself too weak to experience those compelling ideas that were scaring me, I was driven by those ideas and was therefore less aware. One by one, as I’ve turned into and deconstructed those compulsions, they have dis-integrated. This brought me to the emptiness, to the question, to letting go of the argument with the question, or wanting to get the question right, or even believing that I’d ever get an answer to the question.

Now, the tiniest taste of awareness has come and it is like one of those life changes that is like jumping off a cliff. There is no going back, and only the faintest idea of what the landing place looks like. And although what I understand is vast and amazing, I have the deep knowing that I’ve got only the tiniest inkling of a clue here. It is just like the books and (non snake-oil salesmen) gurus say, only not at all like that. All of these things we say to describe what it is are metaphors. And there are 7 billion of us, each with a very unique configuration of personality, ego structure, history and opinions about things, so many many metaphors are needed. Pick your philosophy, pick your path, it is not important, the how. It isn’t even important that we all awaken, but wouldn’t it be great if we did?

I’m not entirely ready to share what my particular insight into the oneness is, partly because I am reluctant to sully it with words, but mostly because I understand it is the tiniest little insight that has had to be interpreted through my silly little human mind and when I describe it in words, I will get it 99% wrong. And because it isn’t important that you know what my awareness is, it is important that you know what your awareness is.

And also, it is important that you know that awareness is possible in this lifetime, even for a middle aged house wife so inclined most of her life in overthinking and senseless chatter.
So get to it, and if you want some encouragement, radical honesty, undefended love, compassion and empathy on your path, let me know.

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Meditation can be a beautiful form of masturbation.

SOMEDAY I’LL BE BACK AT SCHOOL,
SKINNY OLDER LADY SAUNTERING ACROSS CAMPUS
WITH MY CUSHION AND MY HEAD COVERED,
IN JEANS AND A FLOWY SHIRT THAT SHOWS OFF MY SEXY ABS.
I DON’T NEED NO MAKEUP BECAUSE PEOPLE JUST LOOK INTO MY EYES –
ALWAYS MY EYES, BECAUSE I STILL TALK, BUT MORE,
I LOOK. AND LISTEN, AND THERE IS AN INFINITY OF MEANING
IN THOSE MOVEMENTS YOU MAKE
WHEN YOU DON’T SAY.

AND I REMEMBER THAT THERE WAS A TIME,
I WAS SO SO LOQUACIOUS AND I TALKED SO MUCH THAT I COULDN’T HEAR,
AND I EVEN TALKED SO MUCH I COULDN’T SEE,
AND SO I DIDN’T NOTICE THEN ALL THE QUIET THINGS NO-ONE SAYS OUT LOUD
BUT THEY SHOW IT, THEIR LITTLE MOVEMENTS BETRAY THE TRUTH
AND THAT IS WHAT I SEE, NOW THAT I FINALLY SHUT UP.

I’M TRAINING TO BE A TEACHER, BUT NOT THE REGULAR KIND
WITH GRADE-BOOKS AND CURRICULUM THAT MUST BE TURNED IN
OR LESSON PLANS – FOR GOD’S SAKE HOW COULD WE IMAGINE A LESSON PLAN FOR THIS?
I’M GONNA BE A TEACHER WITHOUT A PLAN,
JUST A FEW GOD IDEAS JOTTED DOWN ON THIS HERE POST-IT NOTE
AND A SHELF FULL OF BOOKS IN THE REAL WORLD AND ONE IN MY HEAD
THAT I HAVE BOOKMARKED AND HIGHLIGHTED AND NOW I TEACH
BY WATCHING WHAT YOU DIDN’T SAY AND THEN I REMEMBER
THAT I READ SOMEWHERE THAT SOMEBODY ALREADY SAID THAT
SO I HELP YOU OUT WITH THE WORDS, GIVE YOU THAT TEACHER
WHO CAME BEFORE I BOOKMARKED THEM
SO THAT I COULD LOOK AT YOU HERE AND NOW AND REMEMBER THEM
AND CONNECT YOU TWO BACK UP WITH EACH OTHER. ISN’T THAT NICE?

BUT I’M NOT SOME FUCKING CHARLATAN PSYCHIC OR MADAME OR ANYTHING.
THIS IS THE REAL KIND OF FORMAL OFFICIAL ACADEMIC SHIT UP IN HERE
WITH LETTERS AFTER MY NAME AND EVERYTHING
AND YOU TRUST ME WITH THAT AND SO ARE LURED IN BY THE ACADEMIC ILLUSION
BUT I REMEMBER THE GOD STUFF THAT WAS MORE TRUE THAN IMPORTANT,
AND I’M TOTALLY HAPPY TO HOOK YOU UP.